The Book of Joy, with the Dalai Lama & Archbishop Desmond Tutu

I read this book on my own -- the first nonfiction book I've read in quite awhile. These are my notes, which have already helped me personally. 

There are Eight Pillars of Joy

- Four are qualities of the mind, perspective, humility, humor, acceptance

- Four are qualities of the heart, forgiveness, gratitude, compassion, generosity

                           *****COURAGE*****

    Nelson Mandela: "I learned that courage isn't the absence of fear, but triumph over it."

    Arch. Desmond Tutu: "Courage isn't the absence of fear, but the ability to act despite it." 

Courage comes from the French word coeur (heart). Courage is the triumph of our heart's love & commitment over our mind's murmurings. 

ON STRESS & WORRY

    For much of human history, there have been fears and worry, some major, like whether there'd be enough food to last a winter. But these fears were more manageable thru a close and connected life. 

     Psychologist Elissa Epel (leading researcher on stress) explains how our stress response evolved to save us from attack or danger. Cortisol and adrenaline course into our blood....blood diverts from our organs to our large muscles so we can fight or flee. This response is supposed to be a rare and temporary experience. But for many in the modern world, it's constantly activated. 

     According to Epel, constant stress wears down our Telomeres (the caps on our DNA that protect our cells from illness and aging). It's not just stress but our thought patterns in general that impact our Telomeres, which led Epel to conclude that our cells are actually listening to our thoughts. ...the problem isn't the stressors, which can't be avoided, it's how we respond to the stress. Thus, it's not stress alone that damages our Telomeres, it's our response to the stress that's most important.

    Though survival is the greatest stressor of all, for which our stress response evolved, there's something different about the constant pressures and pulls of modern life. Long ago, there were times of great stress at the loss of crops or death of a child, but daily rhythms were far less frenzied. Our opportunities are greater now, but so too are our anxieties. 

    "Stress and anxiety often come from too much expectation and too much ambition," said the Dalai Lama. "Then when we don't fulfill the expectation...we experience frustration....it is a self-centered attitude. I want this. I want that. Often we're not being realistic about own ability or about objective ability. When we have a clear picture of our own capacity, we can be realistic about our effort....But unrealistic effort only brings disaster. So in many cases, our stress is caused by our expectations and our ambitions." 

What's the answer? Returning to the 8 pillars of joy:

    When we have an expectation, such as for a family member, we can engage in compassion (aka "benefit of the doubt" thinking), saying to ourselves, They're doing the best they can. 

   It's actually a generous thing to give someone the benefit of the doubt -- believing in their goodness, even an imperfect goodness. 

   We can forgive them for not "doing as we'd do." This is a biggie. We're all different. Have strengths, weaknesses, faults. 

   We can have the humility to realize that we do not have all the information or the answers, and that our...wishes, expectations...are likely different than our loved one's. And this can lead us to acceptance that we cannot manage (control) certain situations, no matter how good our intentions.

   If our overall goal is to keep things in perspective so that peace is our number one priority, then we can let our loved ones know that we expect nothing more than what they're able to give. Even when they fail (us or someone else), we can assure them of the gratitude in our heart that they are who they are, that we believe in their goodness. 

Peace all.